Oscar's shameful secrets

As everyone who cares about such things knows by now, "Crash" was named Best Picture of 2006 at the Academy Awards this past weekend.

Normally, by the second day after the awards show, we've all talked it through and have moved on to the next topic. But not this year. Many feel "Brokeback Mountain" should have won best picture, and are even suggesting there was a heterosexual agenda at work.

The Los Angeles Times: "So for people who were discomfited by 'Brokeback Mountain' but wanted to be able to look themselves in the mirror and feel like they were good, productive liberals, 'Crash' provided the perfect safe harbor."

The LA Weekly: "Way back on Jan. 17, I decided to nominate the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for Best Bunch of Hypocrites. That's because I felt this year's dirty little Oscar secret was the anecdotal evidence pouring in to me about hetero members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences being unwilling to screen 'Brokeback Mountain.' "

The Boston Globe: "It was the sound of lots of closet doors slamming shut in a huff."

Strong words. And who can argue? I mean, it's so blatant. Look at how Hollywood has treated this film. Recognizing it as one of the best 5 films of 2006, giving it awards for best director, best adapted screenplay and best original score, putting it on a national stage during the awards broadcast—it's pretty clear to me they wanted nothing to do with this movie! Homophobes.

But what about the other films that lost? Why does no one stick up for them? Don't they deserve equal bitching and complaining time? I guess we only have room for the "outrage du jour." Who will speak out against the shameful injustice displayed against these other fine films?

I humbly volunteer.

Here then, revealed possibly for the first time, is the truth about Hollywood's other biases. And it ain't pretty.

Capote
Great reviews. A knockout performance by Philip Seymour Hoffman. But this film didn't garner any talk about being a winner. And so, we learn the ugly truth about Hollywood. The town that worships glamor and demands the constant improvement of a strong, attractive image just can't stomach the idea that a movie about a short, balding, effeminate writer would win its most valued prize. Truman Capote just didn't fit in with the beautiful people, I guess. He was just too unsightly. Oh sorry, Hollywood. I'm sure if Truman had borne a closer resemblance to George Clooney, this movie would have been made a long time ago! Your fantasy land built on silicone makes me sick.

Good Night, and Good Luck
Hollywood stars can't stop the papparazzi or the tabloids. But they can stop a movie about a journalist from winning best picture! This clearly spiteful move exposes Hollywood as a bunch of bitter, vengeful thugs that would make Tony Soprano blanche. You could almost hear them plotting as they filled out their ballots: "Screw you, journalists. Maybe I'll take a picture of you crying after your movie loses, then sell it. What's so bad about McCarthy, anyway? So Jenny's made some bombs, who hasn't?" So pretty on the outside, Hollywood. But so hideous on the inside.

Munich
It should be noted that Schindler's List was named Best Picture in 1993. Now here we have another film examining the response to a horrible tragedy inflicted upon the Jewish community. Superb acting, great director. Yet not only wasn't it given a chance of winning, it also had fairly poor box office. So what are you saying, Hollywood, hmm? Tired of the Jews, are we? "We gave you your award a few years ago, now go away." Why not just goosestep down Hollywood Boulevard? I'm amazed you can stand to look at yourself in your jewel-encased mirror, Hollywood.

Yes, "Crash" was clearly the safe choice. Hollywood always makes the safe choice when handing out awards. Even for best documentary. I didn't see any gay couples in "March of the Penguins," did you?

Homophobes.